Please Teach Me Emotions
by souchan
Summary: REVISED & UPDATED Soujiro picks up lost emotions as he wanders in an unpredictable world where right and wrong aren't always so straight forward and every action has its consequences.
1. Lesson 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.**

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**Lesson 1 **

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The sun's bright glare hurt my eyes. And it wasn't even noontime yet.

In front of a diner, a girl was announcing "today's special" to by-passers. As if on cue, my stomach started nagging in an increasingly annoying little voice: feed me, feed me.

Wait. Was I delirious from hunger? Where was that voice coming from?

"...sukiyaki, roasted chicken. Are your bellies crying feed me feed me? Come in and try our special! Hello sir, won't you come in?" The girl accosted me, thinking I might be a potential customer. She was clad in a fiery red kimono, which was hurting to my eyes as much as the sun was. Turning my pockets inside out, I counted the sad few coins I had. So few they were almost worthless.

"Do you need work sir?" She had a perceptive eye, I'll give her that much.

I nodded eagerly, "Yes. Could you please tell me where I might find work?"

"That depends. Have you been previously employed?"

"Umm...yes."

"What type of work have you done?"

Political assassination? Nah. Spying on people? Ehhh. Recruiting people for anti-government purposes? Doesn't sound too good either. So I settled with, "General labor, I guess."

The girl raised her eyebrow skeptically. I'd bet she thought I was bluffing.

"Would you be able to lift heavy objects?"

"Like rice barrels?"

"Uh huh."

"Been doing that since I was eight." Child labor anyone?

"Work outside frequently?"

"Not a problem."

"The liquor warehouse is hiring. My break's in 10 minutes, so if you'd wait, I'd be happy to take you there."

"That's great! Thank you so much!"

I was about to go stand in a corner and wait but apparently the girl wasn't done yet:

"Don't you have something to give me?"

I blinked. Give her what? What should I do? It wasn't like I bought something.

"Well, job referral service, y'know."

I wanted to protest, whatever happened to the olden days when people just refer you a job out of the goodness of their heart and NOT charge you, a broke ass wanderer, for it? But then it began to dawn on me. This was what others must've meant by the "real world", a place full of penny-counting opportunists who'd charge a price on literally everything. Money and commodity were not at all a problem when I was with Shishio-san. But now as a wanderer, I had to get used to "trivial" things such as running out of money to buy food, lice in my underwear, sleeping under bridges or just about anywhere. I've learned a few things since I left Kyoto, yet this "normal" life--if you can call it that--never ceased amaze me. Ordinary things suddenly opened up to me in a whole new and bizarre dimension. I really did have a lot to learn.

Turning my pocket inside out, I counted a few sad coins I had. "That's all I have left."

She clicked her tongue, "Well, I'll just take ten percent off of your first pay." From the bland expression, I'd guessed that she has been in business for quite long. Underneath the young face was the cunning quality of an experienced matron.

Later, the girl led me to a liquor store, where I was hired immediately thanks to her referral. They assigned me to loading/unloading and delivering orders. Jug after jug of sake was carried from the shades of the cellar and placed onto the wheelbarrow waiting outside. It was almost high noon and the sky was completely dominated by the blazing white sun, without a single fluff of cloud in sight. I tried to chase away the thought of myself as a fried fish in a hot pan of broiling oil and let the wheelbarrow be on its way. This worn out piece of transportation creaked loudly as to protest the outrageous weight it was being forced to uphold. It looked ridiculous, like a bunch of bulky elephants sitting on the back of one puny old horse. However, the store owner didn't take notice of that, or more likely too cheap to take notice of that. So hoping that the whole thing wouldn't crashed, I pushed on with caution.

"You're doing alright there, boy?" The old man walking along side me asked. He was sent to collect the money for the delivery.

"Yes." I didn't mind these sake jugs too much. After all, I was used to dealing with objects five times my weight when I was a little child.

It was just the heat that bothered me. I don't recall summer's been this hot before. No rain, no wind, just the sun and dust. On the doorsteps of a building, a dog was panting feverishly. Its tongue hang from mouth, thirsting for water.

A loud cry cut through my train of thought. We were walking by the market place. Over by the fish vendor, a middle age woman was cursing and flogging a boy with a bamboo rod normally used to ward off flies.

"Mama...I'm telling the truth! They took the money, please mama!"

"Don't lie to me! I know you took it. Where did you hide the money, you little bastard? You're just like that lout of a man, you don't worth shit!"

"The bullies took it, mama! Really! Please don't hit me!"

The woman promptly kicked the boy onto the sidewalk. The boy got to his feet and hobbled away. The bystanders, being bystanders, did nothing but watch.

"Please stop it." I held both of the woman's hands backward in a tight lock just as she started to chase after the boy. She was screaming and cursing up a storm, because I had come down too hard that I probably sprained her wrists.

In the back of my mind, I fought back the sinister impulse to hurt the woman furthermore. I did not know whence came the strange impulse, except that I couldn't remain impartial watching the boy getting beaten black and blue. Something stirred up in my heart...anger? not quite...or maybe a painful image of my own past was flashing by...whatever it was, I just wanted it to stop.

How could a mother be so cruel to her own child?

"It has always been like that." remarked the old man as we resumed the delivery. "Such a mean, spiteful hag, nobody wants to make trouble with her. She's been taking it out on her son ever since the husband died."

I was silent. The wheelbarrow moved steadily in the same pace as the trickles of sweat running down my face. They were salty. Much like tears.

At noon, the marketplace lapsed into recess. Vendors and haulers alike retreated into the scarce shades and enjoyed their short lunch break. Talks and gossips sizzled here and there, joining in with the cacophony of noisy cicadas. From afar, a moving red flame dashed through the streets and gradually came into view. I squinted my eyes a little. No, the world wasn't on fire. It was the girl in red kimono. She was carrying a stack of appetizing lunch boxes for those who had ordered their meals.

The sounds of lips smacking and chopsticks clattering was pure torture to the stomach of someone who hasn't eaten for...how long he couldn't even recall. My head was dizzy and felt light at the same time.

I was hungry. So weak and deprived of food I could barely lift up my hands. Maybe if I tried to withstand it for a while, the hunger'd go away. I truly do hope so. There are a lot more work waiting for me after lunch.

"Hello sir! Have you had lunch yet?" she asked. The intensity of red hit my blurry eyes like a punch. So right and overwhelming it gave me the impression of a human torch.

Immediately, the smile was up like a mask. Pride simply did not allow myself to be seen in such a pathetic, weak condition. I managed to nod with difficulty. Lying has never been so hard. After a while being exposed to the heat of her insistent stare, the smile began to droop a little, like a wilting plant that's been under the sun for too long. My eyes tried an aversion tactic by pretending to take interest in the nearest sight...two cats on a tree branch flirting with each other. Reminded me of Shishio-san and Yumi-san when they thought no one was looking. Such a...disturbing scene.

Why won't she go away? How long am I going to have to keep this up?

Sadly, the loud rumbling of the stomach soon betrayed me.

My cheeks were burning up. It was more likely caused by something else other than just the hot weather. The girl's eyes widened and suddenly understood, she ran out to somewhere and came back with a plate that contained five rice cakes.

I was so astonished that I didn't know what to say. The smile dropped completely as a peculiar sensation occupied my mind. Something I couldn't find a word for. Regret? Not exactly. Couldn't be. Regret was the sort of feeling that haunt you. Gives you nightmare. Makes you quake in anxiety at the mention of the incidence.

Regret does not cause people to blush like a ripened tomato.

This sensation has got to be something else.

"You must eat to work, sir." She pushed the plate into my hands.

Trembling slightly, I took it, "Thank you."

She simply nodded. In a blink of an eye, she was once again a moving red flame dashing through the streets in the midst of a hot summer day.

Dusk fell on the marketplace as the sun turned off its light and went to sleep. Most vendors have already closed up their shops early to escape from the heat. Glittering stars dotted the night sky, drawing up countless passageways for the wandering who were without a purpose. I wondered if there was one for me.

Stepping out to the street, I took a deep breath of the evening air. It smelled of salt and spoiled fish. The fish vendor couldn't sell all of the fish and her sprained wrists were giving her a hard time putting up the merchandise. She was mumbling curses as she gathered up the leftovers. Too caught up in her own burden, she did not see me.

A band of unruly youths passed me by as I rounded the corner. They were laughing and talking noisily.

"Kuro's hobbling like a friggin' cripple. Got your ass whipped again?"

"Hell if it matters. With all this money, I'm gonna win big tonight."

"Didn't your mama ban you from gambling? Where'd you get it?"

"It's fish money. I told mama I got jacked."

"No shit! And she bought that?"

"Hell no! But I got away. Some kind of bum showed up and stopped her. What a dupe!"

Their conversation stopped me on my tracks. I was stunned. Kids gambling. Abusive mother. The money supposedly been robbed. Who was the real victim here? My head whirled in a gale of confusion and bitterness.

What have I done wrong?

I shouldn't have interfered, should I? If I hadn't done so, the mother wouldn't lose her money. But...but she was beating him...like caning a dog...he could've been...I only did what I thought was right.

Why did right turn out to be wrong?

What is right and what is wrong?

I spun around in a fruitless attempt to stop them. They were already gone. So did the woman.

Only the smell of salted fish lingered in the air.


	2. Lesson 2

**Lesson 2**

I slipped into my daily routine without much trouble. A typical day would go like this: get up, work, eat whenever hungry, do a little musing here and there, work some more, find a remote place not bound to be disturbed, and go to sleep. It wasn't dull at all, especially with the sporadic bombshells life'd drop down on my head.

"Oi, be careful!"

The cart's handle jolted out of my grip. A back wheel collided with a giant bump on the road and fell off, pulling the whole side down with it. Two jugs of liquor tipped over and were about to come crashing down--had I not caught one with my shoulder and blocked the other with my left foot. Now, this scenario would be pretty darn amusing if we were in the audience of a circus performance. Unfortunately, I was not made out to be a professional weightlifter who could juggle extra-heavy objects and subsequently do a series of fancy tricks. All my efforts were poured into the sole purpose of maintaining balance. Imagine having two stone boulders dropped on you at the same time--even the slightest miscalculated movement could seriously injure your shoulder blade or shatter your ankle bones...or both.

"Would you...give me a hand?" I groaned loudly at the old man who was fidgeting nervously nearby. Was he too senile to see that I was in a --really-- tight spot?

"I can't! I have arthritis."

I heaved a sigh. Planting my right foot firmly on the ground, I mustered the rest of my strength to push the jug back into the cart with my left foot. As soon as it fell back in, the weight on my shoulder caused me to wobble. There wasn't a space left on the cart so I had to put it down. What an ordeal. My arms, shoulders and feet were awfully sore after it was over.

The old man peered over to check for damage on the jugs. One of them had a crack, so he placed it at an angle to prevent the slushing liquid inside from leaking out of the bad side.

"I'm going back to the store for assistance. You stay here and watch over the cart." He was visibly vexed.

Well, he wasn't the only one. Believe it or not, irritation was contagious. It spred around almost instantaneously. A vegetable vendor became agiated at a picky customer. Two men who were in a hurry bumped into each other and wasted even more time in stopping to curse at one another. Exasperated storeowners complained about the hot weather and yelled at the workers. Discontented workers swore at both the heat and their bosses. So far I haven't seen anyone who was able to maintain their full composure, much less being...happy. Bad temper was scorching harmony with its smoldering charcoals.

Ordinary people were blessed with a wide range of genuine emotions. So why was it that they chose not to be happy?

I couldn't help thinking those people were more miserable than me. Arrogant as it might sound, the idea of being apart from that bustling crowd of upsetting people was somehow...comforting. It contributed to the reason why I wasn't planning to get rid of the smile anytime soon. With my sword gone, my ideology crumbled, my emotions lost, the smile was my only identity--one that I had control over. For a messed up soul undergoing a fickle life, having a fixture of stability is critical.

Denial is bad, I know. But I needed something to hang on to. Something to tell me I was still worthy of value and shield me from depression. Wandering through life as a perpetually downcast, self-pitying automaton is the quickest pathway to La La Land.

The old man returned, red-faced and grumpier than before he left. Followed him was another hauler with a functional cartwheel.

"Start loading'em, boy! What are you smiling for?" snapped the old man.

I stiffled an amused chuckle. Been more then ten years, and this smile still left someone wondering.

* * *

The rain poured down around five in the afternoon. We had just managed to finish all the deliveries for the day and I was thankful to be inside, dry and clean, manning the store, instead of being outside, heaving a loaded cart out of the mud under that downpour. The owner and the old man who supervised the deliveries were also inside, enjoying a game of go.

As I had nothing better to do, I took several sheets of old newspapers that was saved for wrapping and folded them into paper boats. I made one big battleship and a few smaller lifeboats. Outside, the streets were deserted for the most part, save several occasional stragglers who didn't have their umbrellas dashing to find shelter. Squatting on the sidewalk, I let the ships go, one by one, onto the strong current created by the rain. The battleship followed the current straight down the gutter hole while the rest overturned and drowned. If there were someone to steer them, they might have fare better. Or not. I wouldn't know. But I knew enough that going through life without direction like those little papper boats was a bad idea. I too might be bound for shipwreck unless someone pointed out to me what I should be doing with my life. Yes you can argue that Himura-san suggested that I go on a journey blah blah blah and find my own blah blah blah. Except I'm not the introspective type, alright? So his blah blah made absolutely no sense to me. I was used to having someone else mapped out my life. This sudden overwhelming freedom terrified me (well it would if I were the type to keep in touch with my emotions). Left on my own, I had no idea what I should do. It was amazing that I wasn't lying in a ditch somewhere or dying from eating random poisonous mushroom.

As I was about to go back inside, a little girl wearing a big straw hat trotted up in front of the store. Poor kid was drenched and out of breath.

"Could you fill this with sake please?"

As she looked up when handing me the jug, I saw a blackeye. It wasn't new, but it was conspicuously visible so it must be recent. I took the jug and went to the back of the store, not liking it one bit.

"Who's this for?" I asked while handing the jug to her. She was really careful, taking it with both hands and hugging it close to her chest.

"My father."

I wondered if I should take back the liquor. But he'd beat her regardless. Drunk or not drunk, it was all the same.

"Hey" I gestured at my eye, "it'd hurt less if you massage it a little." I made rubbing motions in the air.

"I'll try that. Thanks Mister!" And off she went into the rain. I hoped the mean bastard won't beat her for at least a little while now that he'd gotten his liquor.

After that, I went back to pretending to dust the shelves so it didn't look like I was idling. In my head, I was counting away the minutes until closing time. There are sixty seconds in a minute which means there are thirty six hundred seconds in an hour. I lost count somewhere around twelve hundreds. I'll be honest; I didn't do well in academics even though Shishio-san had hired a tutor for me to make sure I was literate. But at least that put me ahead of the nine percent of the population who couldn't. Hah.

The door slided open.

"Welcome to..." I trailed off. It was the little girl from earlier. She had gotten a bloody nose in addition to the blackeye.

Bastard.

What happened was, she had tripped and broken the jug on the way home. The bloody nose was from her father who had punched her before sending her off --in the downpour-- to get his alcohol again.

When I went to refill the new jug, I didn't want to do it at all. Then my eyes fell on the bottle of rat poison that was kept on a separate cabinet. It'd be so easy, I thought, the scumbag would die before anyone could figure out anything. He'd never torment the poor kid again.

The memory of ten years ago hovered in my head. My adopted father who had smashed his bottle on my forehead...The so called family who had tormented me and wanted to kill me...I just wanted to live...I could bear with the cursing and the hauling and the beating, as long as they'd let me be...just being alive was enough for me...

I reached for the rat poison.

It would be justified, the Tenken's voice was floating in my head like a surreal phantom.

But the police might be able to trace it back. I could ruin the owner's business or even get him in jail. That'd be no good.

I closed my eyes. Every terrifying bloody moment of that night flooded my mind. The grotesque scenes grew clearer and the long repressed dangerous fear felt like it was about to erupt.

"What's taking you so long?" The owner's voice jolted me back to reality.

As he took the jug from me, I held my head down because the corners of my mouth were twitching. I couldn't put on a smile even if I tried.

* * *

Someone was waiting for me at the end of the day. When I received my week's wage and took my leave, the girl in red kimono was waiting for me outside the store with an umbrella in hand.

I had never had somebody waiting for me before.

"Good evening sir!"

Sir, sir, sir. Did I look that old to other people? "Please don't call me sir, I'm not even passed eighteen yet. My name is Soujiro."

"Well in that case, good evening, Soujiro-san!"

I was wondering why we're on a first-name basis so quickly, then it suddenly occured to me that I didn't give her my last name. It didn't matter, my last name was never really my own anyway.

"Good evening...umm...I'm sorry I didn't get your name."

"It's Akairi."

No last name either? "Just Akairi?"

"Just Akairi."

Red light. Unusual, but anyway, "It suits you."

Akairi smiles. She seems like someone who gives out her smiles freely.

"Get under." She held her umbrella toward me. It was a simple act, so simple people do it all the time.

And yet all that time I've been left out in the rain, no one had ever offered to share an umbrella with me before.

I just stood there dumbstruck, while Akairi kept holding her umbrella toward me. She herself was getting wet.

"What's wrong Soujiro-san?"

"Nothing." I got over my zoning out and got under. "I'll hold this." I mumbled and grabbed the handle because I thought that was what boys are supposed to do--at least from what I observed from Shishio-san and Yumi-san. The good thing was that she let me, otherwise it'd be awkward on my part. Then we walked together, though I had no idea what our destination would be. We just kept walking. I had never walked with a girl before.

I know that I've been repeating 'I had never' a lot. But it was the truth, these sort of things had never happened to me before. It was all new to me. This was probably what Chou and Kamatari meant by 'you need to get out more'.

"Do you like your new job?"

"I guess, but why do you ask?"

"I hope you're doing alright. It's a tough job." I noted that she looked at me in the eyes while speaking. Most girls don't do that. They'd either blush and hide their faces behind their kimono sleeves in proper humility or choose not to strike up a conversation in the first place. Her boldness intrigued me.

"How does it feel like to get your first salary?"

That caught me off guard. She just came because she wanted her ten percent, didn't she?

"Okay." I said curtly. Then I went, "How much do you want?"

"How much did you get?"

I was getting annoyed with her prying. "Eight thousand yen."

Akairi looked thoughtful, "Eight thousand yen, huh." And she turned to me, "Where are you sleeping anyway?"

Caught off guard second time. This girl was so unpredictable you'd have no way of guessing what was in her head.

"Under bridges. Or on market stalls...if I don't get caught." The thought that I'd have to sleep in the rain tonight was very much discomforting.

Akairi looked at me like I said something really absurd, "How about under a roof? With futon and blanket and pillow?"

Before I opened my mouth, she went on, "A deposit at the boarding house I'm renting is five thousand yen. Monthly rent is eight thousand fifty. Since today's past the collecting date you'll have a little over three weeks to save up that much."

That sounded reasonable. I couldn't even recall the last time I slept on a futon with blanket and pillow.

"What about your ten percent?"

Akairi just winked at me, "Keep it. You can buy me something later."

* * *

So the good news was that I wasn't going to sleep under the rain that night. But apparently somebody else was. When we arrived at a third rate boarding house, I caught sight of the brat who gambled his mom's money stalking the building. I noticed him first, hidden in shadows, but Akairi was the one who cared enough to go over and talk to him. Meanwhile, I sat on the stone steps, waiting.

"...I can't go in there, Mama's going to murder me!"

"Where would you go?"

The boy shook his head and turned around--away from the boarding house.

"Want to know what happens if you leave?" Not waiting for an answer, Akairi went on, "You'd be starved by tomorrow night. So famished you'd do anything for a scrap of food. What would you do?"

"I'll starved to death then, so Mama'd be happy." The boy let out a bitter scoff.

"I bet you wouldn't?"

"Well, I'll work then, run some errands around the marketplace. It doesn't pay much, but I'll get by."

"Can you haul?"

"I sure as hell can. She always had me carrying fish until my arms fall off the sockets!"

"Not fish. Think giant barrels, liquor jugs or rice sacks." At this point Akairi jerked her head in my direction and I gave a little confirmation nod.

The boy groaned in frustration, "Do I look like a slave to you? Only slaves can haul that stuff!" A little while later, he attempted a last suggestion, "Hey, remember that guy, the landlady's good for nothing nephew? One time he lifted from an inn and the money got him set for a week..."

"...but was caught next time and they beat him until his skull cracked."

"Don't you know of any other jobs?" He was almost begging now.

"There is...prostitution."

The boy's now gray face resembled a dead fish. God knows what horrendous images floating about his poor head as Akairi plunged into further sordid details of sexually transmitted diseases, depression, suicide, mental illness, bloody "accidents" involving lunatic perverts weilding swords and other things one should NEVER EVER mention to a kid, lest him be scarred for life.

"Your Mama is the only one who gives you things with no price attached. Mistakes, they can be fixed with sincerity. If you still want to leave, go ahead."

I was relieved it was finally over. Her sex talk was gruesome.

As for the boy, every bits of his determination was blown away after Akairi had thoroughly scared him out of his skin. He had no other choice but to go inside and thereby hopefully avoid the horrifying monsters lurking in the dark corners of life.

Akairi was a born speaker. She had talked the liquor store owner into hiring me, talked the boy out of running away, talked the mom into taking him in and refrain from using violence on him (something about abused children were more likely to grow up to become criminals--I was glad she didn't jerk her head in my direction and used me as an example again), and talked the landlady into giving me the least bug-infested futon because I just looked like a sweet boy who wouldn't skip his rent. It seemed like she hit all the right nerves, reading their faces as she spoke to people. I couldn't do that. I mean, I could sense fear, and arrogance and that sort of things from my enemies, but not ordinary emotions--the subtext of the conversation.

"Good night, Soujiro-san", said Akairi as I was walking upstairs to my room, with a bundle of futon, blanket and pillow in hand.

"Good night, Akairi-san. Thank you..." I ran through the list in my mind: for finding me a job? waiting for me? getting me a place to live? "...thank you for everything."

"You're welcome, Soujiro-san."

Outside the rain was still falling. But not on me. Not tonight. And that, I thought, was a good start.


End file.
